SWEEP THE LEG: it's what this moment needed (ijemanja) wrote,
SWEEP THE LEG: it's what this moment needed

House/Scrubs fic: Take Two Martinis and Call Me in the Morning

Title: Take Two Martinis and Call Me in the Morning
Fandom: Scrubs/House
Pairing: Jordan/Cuddy
Rating: teen
Words: 2780
Notes: No spoilers. Not much in the way of plot or rationalisation, either.
Summary: At the closing farewell cocktail crap-fest, things were finally looking up.

Jordan hated Bob Kelso.

So, Sacred Heart Memorial Hospital was participating in this hospital administration convention thing which basically meant a whole big pile of boring, which she had to attend because she was on the board and also, now, on staff. The only highlight of which being that she managed to drag Perry along with her to some of it and thus involve him in the torture.

Unexpectedly however, and although she totally still hated Bob, here at the closing farewell cocktail crap-fest, things were finally looking up.

The reason she suddenly wasn't looking for someone to stab with a shrimp fork? The charming, intelligent, and not in the least bit boring woman she currently wasn't making lame small talk with.

Lisa Cuddy, keynote speaker, ran some hospital in New Jersey, but Jordan wasn't going to hold that against her. The woman had great hair and a decent sense of humour and shoes Jordan was seriously coveting - to the point where she'd already had several brief but satisfying fantasies about tackling her to the ground and wrestling them right off her feet. And if there was one thing Jordan appreciated in a woman it was good fashion sense.

Plus she was hot. Jordan liked that in a woman, too.

She was hot, and she clearly didn't mind showing it, either - a nice change from the usual breed of apologetic whiners Jordan encountered at her own second-rate hospital. And so here she was, making witty remarks about the third-rate catering staff and the fourth-rate music, all the while wondering just how to broach the subject of which way Lisa swung, when they were interrupted.

Thoroughly and incompetently all at the same time, by none other than Little Miss Whiney-face herself.

"Dr Cuddy!" the stick gushed. She took a second to turn and give a hasty, "Hello Jordan," that was probably meant to sound coolly polite but really just came out in Spaz-ese like everything else that had ever spewed out of Elliot's mouth. Then she swivelled back and there was no stopping her.

Blah blah such an honour blah blah role model blah blah freaking sisterhood blah. Till Jordan felt the urge - not for the first time of course - to wrap her hands around the blonde's twig-like neck. She was about to snap and tell Twinkie Barbie to go find someone else to rub up against. But then she didn't have to.

"Dr Reed, is it?" came Dr Cuddy's mild, even tone, effectively cutting off Barbie's verbal diarrhoea mid-stream.

She didn't really need to ask, Jordan noted, since the little spaz was actually wearing one of the name tags they were always pushing on people at these things.

"Yes! Sorry! I'm Elliot Reed, a resident at Sacred Heart. Chief resident actually, um -"

"Well, Dr Reed, I think that's about all the adulation I can take right now. But it's so nice to see such professionalism in a young doctor rising up through the ranks."

She said it politely, a smile on her face the whole time, but oh, it was mean. A perfect smackdown, the best part being when little Suzy Sunshine squeaked out a 'thank you' and scurried off to find somewhere to cry.

And Jordan suddenly had to resist another urge to tackle the woman again, though this time it had nothing to do with her Jimmy Choos.

"Hi, I love you."

"Not too harsh?"

"Less harsh and we would have had to pry her off your leg with a crow bar."

"I know the type - probably be perfectly competent if she wasn't constantly struggling with the trials of being pretty and a doctor all at the same time." She sighed, then gave a little half-shrug. "So, Jordan isn't it? Surely this is one of those situations where the only logical recourse is alcohol." She tilted her head towards the bar. "Want to get a drink?"

Jordan just stared for a moment, found herself licking her lips, and finally said, "Sure, but would you excuse me for just one moment?"

She didn't wait for a reply, already halfway across the room to her not-quite-ex-husband, who was sulking in a corner.

"Hey Per," she said urgently. He didn't look up when she appeared in front of him, so she stole his drink and held it to ransom. That got his attention.

"Oh what," he demanded, his eyes fixed somewhere between the glass of scotch and her cleavage.

"Hooking up with strangers: still cheating?"


"Even if I'll probably never see them again?"


"Even if it means I might stop whining about your inability to satisfy me for a few days?"

He thought about it. Made a face. "Yes."

"Even if it's her?" She pointed but he was too busy casting his eyes dramatically to the ceiling.

"I guess it is hard for someone with the morals, not to mention mental faculties, of the girl who taught Paris Hilton everything she doesn't know to remember, but we have actually been over this before and the answer's still a resounding ye-he-he-" the tirade halted mid-stream as he performed a little double-take he probably thought was comical. "Did you say 'her'?"

She rolled her eyes and pointed again. "Yes, moron. Her."

Now his eyes practically dove in the direction she was pointing.

"Well... in that case the answer would have to be a resounding 'hell no, not if I get to watch'. You go girl. Woof." Was his fairly predictable response.

"You don't get to watch," she snapped, and he immediately opened his yap to start in on another big hairy whine-fest. "But," she added quickly, leaning in and draping an arm over his shoulders, "I'll tell you all about it later. And I'll give you your drink back."

He grabbed it and downed it in one gulp.

"Sold," he said with a grimace.

"Great, thanks honey!" she perked, giving him a pat on the back as she moved off.

And back across the room again the lovely Lisa Cuddy was waiting at the bar to present her with a martini, and the martini sucked because this place sucked and Bob Kelso was a cheap bastard, but the company almost made up for it.

"A toast," she said brightly - and belatedly, since she'd already downed half the thing in one go. "To escaping this hell-hole as soon as is humanly possible."

She lifted the glass to her lips and that's when she became acutely aware that she was being checked out. It was an experience she was fairly familiar with. Especially since she lost the baby weight. Well, most of it, anyway. Some of it.

But the point was that Doctor Hottie was checking her out. She made a show of tipping her head back and swallowing slow and deliberate and she could feel eyes following the line of her arm, the curve of her neck. And this, she thought, was going to be easy.

"You smoke?"

"One vice at a time," came the smirking reply, Lisa sipping her drink with a calm restraint Jordan rarely exercised herself.

It was hellishly sexy.

"Well I need a fix. You can keep me company."

She didn't need to look behind her to know she was being followed. She could feel Lisa's presence at her heels. Halfway to the door Bob tried to get their attention, but Jordan just held up one hand and bared her teeth and he turned away muttering under his breath.

The foyer was wonderfully deserted, meaning they weren't even going to have to go far. In fact, she stopped about three feet from the door.

"Yep, this'll do."

"I'm pretty sure it's no smoking out here, too."

"Yeah, I don't smoke," Jordan replied briskly, and turned around and planted her lips on Lisa's.

She seemed to get over her surprise in a hurry and didn't bother getting all coy about it which, thank god, because she was very close to being the perfect woman right now and Jordan hated having her bubble burst. But no, Doctor Hottie was just kissing her back with that sexy smooth lipstick thing Jordan missed what with only kissing Perry - mostly only kissing Perry - these days.

The height difference, she noticed, was only about an inch, which meant that they could do this for hours without getting a sore neck and it wasn't like with a short guy because who wanted to spend hours thinking up nicknames like 'Shortie Shorterson of the Tinyville Shortersons' and worrying about proportional penis size, anyway?

No, all the things that were different about making out with a girl were all the things that made it so good, like the smooshing of boobs and the way women always knew how to stick their tongue down someone's throat without choking them; the small nimble hands and the way they never smelled like they took a bath in cheap drugstore aftershave three days ago and hadn't showered since. In fact, Lisa kind of smelled like nothing except the slightest hint of hair product and possibly candy apples.

Except that last thing was more likely the sticky lollipop wrapper Jack had stuck in her pocket before she left home today.

"For the record," Doctor Hottie said then, "I don't actually do exhibitionism - not without a few more of those awful martinis, so -"

"Oh darn," Jordan said, not entirely insincerely, "I forgot the part where I meant to get you drunk."

Lisa just looked at her. "Last I checked this place was calling itself a hotel, and I've got a room."


Discretion was called for in the elevator, unfortunately, because while singing the 'I Hate Sharing Elevators With People Who Have B.O.' song for the benefit of the third passenger was fun and all, what she really wanted to be doing involved her hand up Doctor Hottie's skirt. So she sang a little louder, until B.O. Guy stabbed a button frantically and got off at the next floor.

"See it's funny," she explained, watching him go before the doors closed again, "because I don't even know if he had B.O. I just thought he looked like the type."

Doctor Hottie didn't even blink. She did look thoughtful, though. "I just realised," she said as they finally reached her floor, "that you remind me of someone I know, and now I'm trying to decide how weird this is."

"Are you related to her?"

"It's a him. And no!"

"Him? Well that is weird, but not as weird as it could be. Bonus!" She snapped her fingers at Lisa then and added, "Keys!"

Because they were at her door and hello they could be groping each other by now, not making boring conversation about whatever hang-ups this woman had that Jordan didn't really care too much about - although she was willing to play along if it would get them to the groping faster.

Lisa just gave her an exasperated look and produced a key card from her purse. The look was hot. The door opening and them getting inside where the big bed was, that was even hotter. Especially when Doctor Hottie didn't say anything, just dropped her purse on the table and took off her top.

"Oh," Jordan said. "Cool. I was hoping you weren't one of those foreplay chicks."

"Pretty sure the foreplay was when you lured me outside for a cigarette." She stepped out of her freaking awesome shoes and came forward to slide her hands around Jordan's waist.

Only now she was like three inches shorter and Jordan was feeling like an oversized freak in the land of the tiny hot women and that just wasn't fair. "Damn it!" she said, and looked behind her for a chair to sit on. "Damn straps." She worked on them for a moment. Paused. "Can I have your shoes?"

Lisa frowned. "No."

"Okay, how about I do my best to fuck you unconscious, and if you wake up and find them gone, you can feel free to not be surprised?"

"I'm... fine with the first part. If you ever manage to take your shoes off." She had already managed to get out of her skirt and pantyhose and was standing there like a lingerie model.

Jordan chucked her other shoe away and stood up. "Real," she said, looking down as Lisa got out of her bra, too. "Nice, I appreciate a little novelty."

"So are those."

"Depends which those you're talking about." She parted her suit jacket and cupped her own breasts through her silk shirt. "These are."

Lisa's hands covered hers for a moment, then she was pushing the jacket off her shoulders. "I'm standing here in my panties, help me out here," she said.

Jordan stripped, and she managed to do it while kissing Lisa the whole time. She had these wide, luscious lips - and they were real too - and Jordan wanted them all over her. So when she kicked off her pants she broke away from Lisa, dragged her over to the foot of the bed and sat down. "Me first!" she said.

And Lisa shrugged and said, "Okay."

So whatever, blah blah, sex happened. And it was totally worth messing up her hair for, she decided around the second time Lisa made her not yawn and fake it. It was the small hands, probably. She might have said it was the small hands along with the benefits of a doctor's intimate knowledge of anatomy. But Jordan knew doctors. They were all idiots. As far as she was concerned, Doctor Hottie could be the exception to the rule.

"It's only just after ten," Doctor Hottie herself said, after, putting her watch back on the nightstand.

"Want me to say something about time flying? I'm feeling the afterglow, I could slap together a platitude."

Lisa waved a lazy hand. "I'm good."

Jordan got up and found her panties.

"What, no cuddling?" Lisa said dryly, then she got up, too, snagging the bathrobe slung over a chair in the corner. She went to her purse sitting on the table and pulled out her cell phone to check for messages while Jordan worked her way back into her pants.

"I think we used our time productively, and we should be proud of that." She threw her shirt back on. Shoes. She'd had two of them. She eyed Lisa and for a moment considered reaching for the Choos instead.

"It's on the other side of the dresser," Lisa said without even looking up.

"Whatever." She went and got her shoe and came back over to the table to sit and put them on.

Lisa set the phone down and rested her hip up against the table. She was smiling when she said, "It was nice meeting you, Jordan."

Damn it, now Doctor Hottie was being nice. That sucked. For her. "You know, maybe I'm just out of practice at the whole 'wham bam thank you ma'am' thing. I mean I used to be out the door before anyone even bothered with the 'I'll call you' bit. So whatever, I'll just tell you: I'm in a relationship, and I'm not going to call you."

But the other woman just shrugged. "I'm on the red-eye tonight, back to my own job in my own cosy little hospital. Besides, I only come to these things to get laid. I mean, who doesn't?"

"Some of the really unattractive people might actually be here to talk about hospital administration. I wouldn't know, I don't talk to them."

Lisa smiled again. "Anyway, if you ever find yourself in New Jersey," she left the offer open as she reached in her purse and held out a business card.

"I'll kill myself and ask questions later?" Jordan tucked the card away in a pocket nonetheless.

"Oh, a 'New Jersey sucks' joke. Never heard one of those before." Lisa rolled her eyes and headed for the bathroom. "Have a nice life," she said, waiting in the doorway with a smile that suggested she actually meant it.

Nice people were weird.

"You know, it might almost be worth it," Jordan said, feeling where the card was sitting at her hip. "Huh."

Lisa lifted an eyebrow. "Almost?"

"Yeah, I didn't get the shoes. See ya!" She opened the door and stepped out into the corridor and let it shut after her.

Time to go scrape Perry off the floor and drag his hairy ass home. But first, she was going to find Bob and tell him that this had been the best crapshack of a conference ever.

It would be funny, because he would think she was lying, when she really, totally wasn't.

Tags: fic, fic: house, fic: scrubs, genre: crossover, genre: girlslash
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